“God I can’t do this, I can’t do this!”
The panic was building inside me like nausea. Fear had finally overtaken me, and these words only increased in their volume as they played on repeat in my mind. I was not ready to face the reality that my brother was gone; yet I knew that, in the coming hours, the fog would lift and this nightmarish concept would be the reality I would have to live with. I had no idea what this journey would be like, and I was afraid for it.
In a state of total despair, I looked out the car window and the distant mountains caught my attention. As I focused on the rugged peaks, these words washed over my mind:
“I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made Heaven and earth.
Then somehow, without any human explanation, the suffocating fear holding me captive was replaced with peace and assurance. I had never been more assured that my God, more mighty then any earthly power, was with me. Gone was the quicksand; I had solid ground beneath my feet.
In my fear, nothing could have convinced me that I was strong enough to bear the weight of the grief. However, I began to learn that day about God’s strength and peace on a whole new level. Time has only cemented these things that were once abstract concepts to me, and I can now testify to God’s goodness. No matter how dark the shadows, God has not left. The hurt will remain until I reach Heaven, but there is a hand holding mine, guiding me through the darkness. The nightmare has been more complex and frightening then I ever thought it would be, but God’s provision and protection have been just as real and even more powerful.
No, I cannot do this: but He can. I have never been more weak and broken, and I have never seen His sufficiency more clearly. Oh, how I wish I could say I stayed in that place of perfect peace and rest, but I can say that I have learned much in this process.
Proclaiming His Goodness 